Its funny how a gazillion thoughts can race through ones head when left idea. Thoughts of good, bad and well….just plain sad. A lot has happened to me in the past year and laziness and procrastination has made it impossible to put them down. But recently going through this internal feeling on “loneliness” like no one cares or can fully understand how am feeling.
It’s been 10months since I lost my job. Can’t believe been unemployed that long. Granted I truly hated that job but with this current economic climate I guess something in hand is better than nothing at all. Been spending more time “trying” to pray and ask God for direction, I say trying because am not praying as much as I know I should and can. Its almost like I feel defeated already so am basically counteracting any prayer am making…it’s sad I know but it’s what am struggling with now. Trying to live more in accordance with what God wants, it’s a struggle but I feel HE knows am genuinely trying.
Its been almost 5months since I left home(Nigeria) and for a brief stint I felt a glimmer of hope but lately all I see are dark clouds. Everyone around me is feeling so positive(or at least pretending for me) and am being to feel people are gonna look at me like a “wet blanket”( my girl CKG gave me that nickname years ago saying I tend to be a party pooper/pessimist sometimes)…thing is I don’t want people to look at me that way and I know am a fun,loving,caring,sometimes sensitive and tempered person lol but right now am looking at my life and am just like this isn’t how its suppose to be. I know everyone’s journey is different and the pace we all take is different but am just like GOD GIVE ME A BREAK, THROW ME A BONE OR SOMETHING.
Am at a point where my motivation to job search is zero! I have roughly 5years working experience but it’s like I can’t even market it to get me a job. Worst part is am not sure if I actually know what it is I wanna do…my last job which I hated(even though some peoples eyes was a dream job) I don’t have enough experience in that to say am “an experienced” candidate. And now I have found what I think is a career I want to pursue but can’t seem to break into it, guess because I don’t have actual experience. On top of that I can’t seem to get even an interview let alone a job and I hate this job search process, its truly killing for real’s…
Then I have taken up a recent bad habit of tormenting myself by looking at other peoples lives on facebook and comparing them to me ( yes am aware that no one posts the bad stuff so their lives may not be a rosy as I think). But the idle mind is truly the devils workshop cause am constantly looking at peoples wedding pictures and vacation pictures and wondering why has my life not fallen into place like that? I know God has a plan for my life in regards to getting married but I can’t help but be like “when O God”? the recent trend in Naija for people getting married and living the “Naija dream” which is going to school abroad, relocate back to Naija(Lagos most likely), get a great job with multinational company, met an equally stunning young man, get married in gorgeous wedding, live in lovely home and have kids, with fab car and maybe driver lol. Now I realize this might be nonsense but I know people who this “formula” has worked for...so it brings me to ask myself how did I fail. I relocated back home with 2degrees from Yankee, got a job with multinationals so why did I not met the hot young, upwardly mobile professional men? I meet people that am like are really talking to me? Met some hot guys who ended up being the “friend” to, and some that where just a little too out there for me. Was talking to a girlfriend of mine when I came to Canada and she wasn’t trying to be mean but was like “wasnt I looking”? Almost like I went to naija and didn’t follow the formula.( am also fully aware that some of these so called glam weddings are now heading to divorce court, so am learning to be patient and wait for God’s time)
A lot of people I feel have definitely made me feel like I failed with my 2 year journey in Naija because if I succeeded why am I back here in North American tryna thug it out. So many people said they wished they were in my position when I moved back so to now end up back here is like, damn homie… I didn’t tell lots of people I left naija cos I felt shame that I had failed to accomplish the “naija dream” and haven’t told too many people that am back in the north America arena either for shame that when they ask “so what are u up to” I don’t have anything to tell them. SIGHS…….
Despite all of this, I know that things happen for a reason and am slowly trying to see the good in my current situation. I know a lot of people who are based here and doing great and are happy here. Would be nice to be employed and some change in my pocket, but am “trying” (boy it’s such a huge struggle though) to know that God does have a plan for me. Even though I maybe be starting over, it’s not a bad thing. Am slowly adjusting to this weather (am fighting a severe cold/flu as I type lol), making friends (found black people by googling black professionals in my town lol). So this job/money thing should hopefully work out soon enough…ok am tired of typing more thoughts later…
